I remember when I was younger ... before life became full on.

Full on used to mean school/work, coffee/tavern, netball/parties, and a meal somewhere with the boyfriend/husband. The most important things revolved around fitting in and fitting everything in.

Eventually, though, life settles down and everything settles down into some sort of chaotic order. 

Lupus and RA mess with the settling down process, and chaotic order turns into a more panicky chaos.  That's how I am feeling now. Just got some bad news and am sorting out how to deal with it. 

There are lots of things to work out - how I feel, what I'll do, what the options are, ... I could go on.  Then there's everyone else to think of - husband, kids, grandies. All those balls in the air, juggling as fast as I can.

Whenever you take medications associated with auto-immune diseases  long-term you have to expect complications at some stage. Side-effects are standard fare; but stuff happens to everyone. Despite all the bad stuff, I've never had an expectation of happiness or fairness as a fait acompli. Right now, I'm trying to remember that and act with grace and courage - even when I'm not feeling it! Leaving each moment better than the one before by embracing all it can offer and giving what ever I can.

Easy as ... no way! But that is my philosophy; fill your life with things you enjoy, and enjoy the things your life is filled with. I 'rekon' I can be happy anywhere with anything. Now, I'm not asking to be tested on this, but I've already passed a few tests, and am pretty sure I'll cream the next one. Even if I have to start as a stoic!

My current dilemma revolves around sight; had a fright on Saturday morning. Work up with surfboard shapes flashing up my peripheral vision and fireworks flashing when I moved my head. After pausing, resting and moving slowing for about 10 minutes the symptoms disappeared, all expect a very slight shadow in the peripheral vision.

When out and about I decided to check it out with my friendly optometrist. After describing the symptoms I could tell that was a wise decision. A normally fluent gentleman, he was searching for words before finally sharing that it could be my retina detaching. Woooo. I recall nodding, yessing and breathing but not a lot of thinking happening. Of course, I knew what he meant; blindness. 

I just decided to hold my mental breath and not let it out until I had some facts. So, tests, drops, investigations and no signs of tearing or lifting. I don't remember anything else, except: "if anything like this happens again, even small, just call me straight away and I'll get you straight to an ophthalmologist". 

24 hours later, I'm still breathing deeply, have tears welling regularly and pauses with moments of sadness overtake me suddenly; thinking of things I'll miss if the worst happens.

 But mostly its been just an adjustment phase, with a series of peaks and troughs I've just kept rolling along. However, if I'm really truthful there is a very heavy ball of fear right in the pit of my stomach!

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If you're looking for a real holiday, I might be able to help. It's something I do because I enjoy helping.