HOODWINKED by Wisdom

or folly

November 1 2014 | Category: need to know

Flipping Your Thoughts

 

There are many ways to describe moments that ignite thoughts or stop you in your tracks with a "say that again!" like query. Happenstance. Serendipity. Or, simply your brain doing its job. When I discovered a commentator I respected, now looked like a opportunist, unable to comprehend ideas outside his comfort zone I was disappointed. 

 

Tim Minchin, a philosopher/commentator from my home town, had always appeared as a thoughtful, humerous speaker, unafraid to challenge his audience. Last week he moved from hero to villain in my eyes. After watching his animated story, "The Storm", on You Tube I could no longer reconcile this Tim with the memory I held of him. In the animated story, an aggressive and overbearing male lambasts and ridicules a gentle female because she cannot prove her beliefs in God,  phychic connections, or an afterlife. And, as she cannot, her beliefs must be worthless, "if she could prove it, I would change my mind", he generously asserts.

 

So, let's turn this thinking  on its head. The scientific, confident and knowledgable male,  sounding like a five year old demanding to know why he couldn't have a second ice cream., is stamping his feet: my intellect is superior, I can't understand your logic,  you are wrong. End of story.

 

Place him under the light of scrutiny and his argument can seem symbolic and shallow, driven by a necessity to believe in his own correctness, and hiding an ability to consider that his abilities,  which give him his power, could be the equivalent of Grade 1 thinking, he is simply not capable of thinking at this 'other' level.

 

Cautionary note:

 this blog is not about my beliefs per se. It is not intended to change your beliefs. The sole purpose of the blog is to freely ponder the meaning of wisdom, and  to enable mine, and yours, to be forever growing. 

Recalling the Best of Family Days

Our family has a great tradition,  we create family history events that go into a vault to be recalled at both appropriate and inappropriate moments.

Illness has offered many family history moments. Like the time I had an undiagnosed clot on the lung, and every time I laughed I also cried. Or the weekly shopping trips when we all walked at a snail pace chatting and talking normally as I grimaced through every step;  being followed by the eyes of strangers and acquaintances alike. The kids timed me once, 8 minutes to walk 50 metres through the local shopping centre. That happened a lot when I was playing in a tennis one day and shuffling along the next.

One of worst challenges in the early stages of  my Lupus Life was organising medication - getting the scripts, remembering where the repeats were, the location of the tablets, and the emergency stash in the office and/or car. Every time I left the house someone would chirp up with ' h..a..v..e    you    ta..k..en    y..o..u..r    tab....l....e....ts? in a suitable sing-song voice. If I let them, they still do it even though I have IV infusions now.

There are other family history moments with nothing to do with me; like the "don't encourage him" call to family members when celebrating with Robert. Why, because laughing just encouraged him to keep up his comedic routines. Did he love it? Yes.  Did he take any notice? Not a bit. Recently, at our 30 something daughter's wedding, a special niece just couldn't resist taking us back to those early days with this chant.

And, there are more serious memories, from a mother's point of view. I had been suffering for several years, barely able to walk, definitely no sport or swimming for way too long; just a regular routine of pain and peace. Never knowing what the next minute would offer. It was a Friday night and my normally quiet 15 year old son was being playful and pretended to launch himself into my lap as I was resting in my reclining chair.  He mistimed the launch. We both ended up upside down on the over turned chair. The emotions that flashed across his face were priceless; from OMG what have I done, to it's OK she's alive - and laughing.

The vault is well stocked, but that's all I'm sharing at the moment. For me, it's enough to know I can rifle through the vault anytime.

Except for one of my gardening stories.  My body self awareness and co-ordination were a bit wonky at the time; and I was extraordinarily exhausted - in other words, just a normal Lupus day. I had a strong and urgent need to get rid of some ferns that were invading our home entrance pathway. They simply annoyed me when I saw them. There are quite a few stories about personality changes in the vault! This almost fits into that category. It wasn't my usual response to the garden. 

 

Grabbing a handful of stems I made one strong snip - just about snipped my index finger to the bone. Missed the stems totally, got my hand holding the stems!

It's Official! I have a Golden Aura

I always knew I was special. Now I know it's true; recorded in an official database - Jennifer Ryan has a golden aura and there is no cure.

You need to read the full record to know the whole truth, but I am reluctant to let a good headline get in the way of the truth. Could that have something to do with the recent Au federal election? Hmm!

-------------------------------------------

The long story short is .... about 5ish years ago I started noticing strange things happening; worse than spooky. Spooky I could have dealt with. Some of them I had experienced intermittently over many years - ringing sounds in my ears (not like those described by tinitis sufferers, much less severe); eyeballs felt more like fiery golfballs  than eyeballs; and my ability to think logically and ability to recall diminished markedly. Not all the time, but at least once a day, from memory! Was I worried? Did I seek medical help? Sure did. Not alzheimers was the  only conclusive diagnosis.

Last month I woke up to black and white fireworks shooting from each eyeball and lovely golden ringed surfboard shapes running around the outside of each eye. Quick trip to optometrist revealed concern about detaching retina, but all good.

Despite this decided to get second opinion. 2 hours of examinations for side effects of all drugs taken over past 10+ years concluded with diagnosis of  Silent Migraine, that includes a golden aura.

A few moments of searching and all the things I had been worried about, and a few more I was ignoring,  can be linked to my Golden Aura.   Proves once again,

the more you know

the more you know

you know nothing

!

Strangely Annoying

Frustrating, annoying, soul destroying, confusing ... just a few of the terms I have used to describe some of the most annoying consequences of Living with Lupus or RA.

Being inactive is very difficult for me. 

It's OK for a while - you can imagine you are on holiday, retreat or something. That can only work for a while. While, not being able to do the things that felt an intrinsic part of the ego lasted a lifetime.

When I got to the stage of not being able to do everything the job required I moved to retire. That was worse, not only couldn't I do those things I loved I didn't have anything specific to do every day. Being inactive was very difficult.

Gradually, I worked out how to survive. 

Lady Luck wasn't going to have that. Every time I  felt life was falling into a nice rhythm, the symptoms escalated and my life deteriorated. Once, twice, 3 times and more, until I was really imprisoned on my verandah. Only venturing down those dammed steps once or twice a week. 

If it had been a holiday, I could have stayed on the verandah, read, drawn, googled, and surfed a good part of the day away quite happily. This, not being a holiday, became something to be beaten; overcome.

So, between each downgrade, I made some plans, started some projects and built up the semblance of a new life. Adjusted it when needed, and just carried on.

Now to the crunch of the article. 

What is really annoying is that I needed to have projects, plans and ideas to stay sane. Creating timelines and lists was useless so I just flowed with the tide and enjoyed whatever I was doing. But that doesn't really suit me, or at least the old me.

One of my big plans was to create a digital history book celebrating this place I had chosen to retire in. The problem I kept running into was never finishing things in a 'reasonable time'. Could I still do the site? How long could I take? Was it worth it?

12 months later I have a website, online newspaper, Facebook page and online timeline but 'sharing' them is problematic; I wanted them finished, more professional, more, more, ... annoyance, frustration. 

AWAtt

Musing on the past

The Thoughts I Think, without notice

My thoughts have been a bit random lately, and I've found myself recalling the days/weeks either side of my confirmed diagnosis. The one constant complaint was, why won't anyone answer my most important question? What caused this? Cause and effect just weren't in any of my Drs vocab. Whereas I imagined that if I understood something about the cause or could affect the effect.

Frustrating. 

I got over that,eventually! 

Some of the many other What The moments still make me smile. Like, when I knew something was really 'wrong', and was visiting the Doc for blood results. She was very elegant, about 6' tall and was wearing a cool soft grey suit. I knew it was serious when, as she open my file and read the results her lovely soft white cheeks turned the same colour as her suit; she had literally turned grey. 

There was no way I was ready for what happened next. She: I want you to have more tests. Me: why? She: I'm not going to tell you. Just have a new set of tests done. Me: I'm not having more tests unless you tell me the results of these, or what you're worried about. She: I'm not telling you. Me: then I'll be going. 

With that I paused waiting for a response, nothing. So left her office, informed the receptionist I'd not be paying for the consult and walked out and started the search for a new Doc. 

Another time, walking across the campus with an Irish colleague who was telling me a joke that made me laugh widely. Thinking I'd just got a bit too boisterous, I tried to ignore the sudden pain in my chest area Big mistake, it was a pulmonary embolism. Just as we'll a major hospital was just over the road. Didn't get to walk across that campus again for over ten days.

There are many more, but I will save them for a later post. If you feel like it, please share any you think will bring a smile to my face.

Cheers 

One Big Sigh

Fantastic news, my eyes are A OK.

Can you see the bird in this tree? I Can :)

Had a real scare a few days back, retinal detachment was its name. After visiting a friendly Brisbane ophthalmologist, having 6 tests and 4 consultations inside 2 hours I got the all clear.

So all my plans to get some expert skills when using my iPad voice friend, learning braille and a few other brilliant ideas can go into the 'not urgent' box. 

But, I do have some plans that came to light in the time after the scare and before the all clear. 

 

Sitting, watching life on the dam

 Plan No. 1: 
make time to relax everyday, get back into the routine of yoga, breathing deeply and making time for 'zen' moments every day.

Garden colour

Plan No. 2: 

remember what I really enjoy doing - thinking right back to childhood to make sure I don't miss any. Then ... do them, as often as possible. The list so far - gardening (already pruned 2 large bushes), creative art (have created one piece of garden art and planned 2 more), repair or revive furniture, reading, photography, & painting (2 in the planning).

Breathing fresh air with calm mind

Plan No. 3: 

review the things I can control, and want to control, that are important to me. Then simply, take some action.

Plan No. 4:

not there yet, but I am sure it's working its way to the top of my mind.

Good to put the past week or so behind me. Thinking a good long walk in the bush is the go!

Platitudes, or Postertudes

Is anyone else sick of them? Those cheerful, so very very positive posters that appear on Facebook - regardless of the effort you make to ban or block them.

Not that they're all bad, offensive or inappropriate. Maybe, it's just my mindset. But let me explain.


If you scan previous posts you should, I hope, get the idea that I'm basically a positive forward looking person. So how could I possibly have a problem with Postertudes stating ...

• Be strong, you can do it
• If you don't have your health you have nothing
• Make the decision, be positive, you'll be happier!
• Happiness and health go together, choose health

Or similar such ideas?

And I should admit, I have used statements in training or development sessions in the past. I thought of them as motivators. Hopefully, I didn't send out the message that if you don't 'fit the bill' then you are a diminished person. You might even find one on my Blog page. Ouch!!

That is what I object to! I don't have health, and am really happy - at least as much as the average person. Being less than normal was not my choice, genetics had something to do with it :)

I am strong ,very strong- I just don't let he whole world know when and why. And I do make choices, good choices; often.

Rant over.
Message of the post. Think twice when you create and share these sentiments because they often hide 'put downs' couched in good sentiments and pretty pictures.